– C.S. Lewis
I guess I used to think that the dreams you had for your life were static. That "this," "X," is my dream, and that if you were lucky enough to achieve it, that was it, sort of. Like "I achieved my dream! How lucky! End of story."
I guess I didn't realize that dreams, like life, like people, can be fluid, and move and change and grow, and that, actually, the fact that they do is good.
I can look back and say it was always a dream to get married, and have 4 or 5 children, and raise a family. I did that. That dream came true. How lucky I am. I'm not sure I really had many more dreams of doing or being anything after that, for the next 20 years, except being a good mom and a good teacher, a good-enough human being. Raising those 4 kids and teaching full time took up most of the time I might have had for "dreams" but I didn't ever feel like I was missing anything. That all went WITH the dream of being married and raising a family. Living the dream, I guess you could say?
But I can also say that, beginning with an accidental "fall" into the world of sled dogs, and mushing, and Alaska through teaching around fifteen years ago, some parts of that became a big dream of mine.Not a terribly well-defined dream. I can't say I definitely "wanted to be a musher and run the Iditarod." I think I might have thought MAYBE I did. I definitely thought I wanted to learn to run dogs. And along with that "dream" (obsession?!) developed an unexpected love of Alaska itself. I learned that I loved the dogs, anything at all to do with them, and I loved the mountains, and all the physical attributes of Alaska. The plentiful berry picking, the Sandhill cranes, the fireweed and lupines and Wolfsbane growing tall and wild, the creeks and rocks and hikes and the Magpies and Ravens. Oh Alaska. Still and always in my dreams. Again, the state itself holds some rather undefined dreams still - do I want to move there? Maybe. But then again, no, because my family is here. Would I want to spend more time there? Most definitely. Maybe a dream is to buy a small cabin there where I could go anytime I wanted and was able, any season, for a couple weeks at a time. Anyway, the dog dream, whatever it was - well, I worked hard to make it come true. I spent time there, I volunteered at the Iditarod, I talked to people, I forced myself out of my introverted state and met people, I entered the Teacher on the Trail competition and was a finalist, I read, and still read, any book at all on mushing and Alaska. And the thing about dreams is, I believe that if you want something badly enough, you CAN make it happen. I MADE those connections. And I was able - am able - to spend a lot of time there with dogs. I have helped by kennel sitting a bunch of times (which besides just the responsibility for 20 + dogs at a time requires twice a day feeding, and LOTS of poop scooping, but I enjoy that work, and time spent with the dogs). I was able to be a "handler" at three different Iditarod qualifying races for a friend who DID run the Iditarod. Twice. I actually handled AT the Iditarod twice. I've met every single musher I've wanted to, and then some. I forced myself to talk to my heroes - wouldn't change the discomfort I felt for the end result at all. What I learned about my DREAMS over the course of the last 15 years is that I did not, in fact, want to BE a musher. I do love running a team, and there is nothing quite as soul-soothing and satisfying as being on the back of the runners behind a sled and a team, but - it's hard work. Some of the hardest I have ever encountered. And I'm too lazy. Really. I discovered that about myself once I learned first hand how much work is involved in hooking up a team even for a short run. And to think I would have to do that over and over and over, and so much more if I wanted to camp out or run a long race? Oh heck no. I'd MUCH rather help get someone else ready, and then be home to drink coffee by a fire and sleep in a wood-heated house at night than to be out on the trail in the dark, worried about running into moose, or having to sleep in my sled bag in a sleeping bag. SO. MUCH. WORK. And so much discomfort. BUT, I do love the dogs, so kennel sitting, and being IN Alaska, maybe that ended up BEING my dream. I don't know. It doesn't really matter to me so much, just knowing all the experiences I have been lucky enough to have had because sled dogs and Alaska became part of my dream life. But in those fifteen years, I have continued to grow and change, and my dreams have as well.
We moved out of town. That also wasn't a well-defined ultimate dream, until it happened, and until I found I am so deliriously happy with where I live I almost have to pinch myself to make sure it is real. I WANTED to live in town thirty years ago. I wanted to raise my kids in town, around other kids, and where they could do what they wanted, walk and ride bikes where they wanted, without me having to drive them everywhere. When I expressed interest in moving out of town a few years back, I heard, "But YOU were the one who wanted to live in town." Yes. Yes I was. And I did. And I raised my family there. And I don't regret it for one moment. But now? Now my kids are grown and gone, and my needs are not the same. I have a strong need for solitude and quiet, and not seeing people all day every day out my front windows. I guess that's the thing about growing and changing as a person - sometimes, often?, our desires and needs change, our dreams change. I didn't know that was possible, or even enviable for a long time. Being accused of changing seemed so negative, like I wasn't the same person. Eventually I learned that is a GOOD thing. VERY good. Who wants to still be the same person they were thirty years ago? That would mean I had learned nothing from all of life, from my mistakes, my successes, from other people, from all of my experiences.
So where are my dreams today? what ARE my current dreams? Well, besides STILL wanting to be a good mom, I also now want to be a good, no, a GREAT, grandmother to my two grand-babies, Owen and Henry. I want to be important in their lives. I want to be someone they love, and want to be around. I want to be close to them. I want to be someone that they say to their mom, "I want to go to Grandma's; can we go to Grandma's?"
And, chickens. Guinea Hens. Raspberry bushes and black currants. Fertile hatching Eggs. Elderberry bushes and Elderberry syrup.Bluebirds. Brambleberry Farm. THAT'S my current dream.
Oh. And that cabin in Alaska.
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